Hello, Heartbreak Read online

  ‘So, first day filming?’ he said, in his smooth London accent. Oo-er, Mr Darcy!

  ‘Yes it is,’ I replied. ‘Yes. It. Is.’ And… nothing. I smiled awkwardly at him. Wow. I was now utterly convinced my sense of humour had a personal grudge against this guy. It always disappeared when I met him, so it was the only reasonable explanation. All I could think of was Susie, Keelin and the taxi driver chanting that I should sleep with him, but there was no way I was sharing that with him. I didn’t care how short on conversation I was.

  ‘So…’

  ‘So!’ I chimed in enthusiastically, wishing I hadn’t when I realized how stupid it had sounded. He really was quite yummy, wasn’t he?

  ‘You’ve heard we’ve lost our lead actress?’

  ‘Yeah, mangled face and all that.’

  ‘Pretty much.’ He laughed. ‘Fingers crossed the replacement will work out. I mean, she hasn’t much screen experience, but she does have a profile as an up-and-coming actress here, so that may help things slightly on a publicity front.’

  ‘Oh, I agree,’ I said, trying to sound knowledgeable, but the logistics of how these things worked didn’t interest me hugely.

  ‘You’ve heard of her?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Saffron Spencer.’

  ‘Oh, yes!’ I lied. ‘Sure, who hasn’t?’

  Wait a second? Saffron Spencer… Saffron Spencer… Why was that ringing a…

  Oh, Jesus…

  Christ…

  Saffron… Spencer… Edna McClodmutton!

  When I came round, Jonathan was fanning my face with the contracts. ‘Are you okay?’ he asked, seeming incredibly concerned.

  Was I dreaming? Nice dream. Nice Jonathan Ride Cunningham was looking at me as if he cared and loved me… ‘I must sleep with him! I must!’ I mumbled groggily.

  ‘Sorry, Izzy, did you say something?’ he asked, leaning in closer.

  And with that I came round properly and jolted upright.

  ‘You really are photosensitive, aren’t you?’ he observed. ‘You gave me a right fright there, Izzy. We’ll have to get you a decent pair of sunglasses.’ He smiled at me warmly.

  ‘Saffron Spencer?’ I asked, in a daze.

  ‘Yeah! Listen, if you’re up to it I can introduce her to you now. That way you can get her contract signed too.’

  How could I tell this man that even with twenty-eight pairs of industrial light-diffusing goggles I would never, ever be ready for that?

  It all sort of unfolded in front of me like a dream. Sorry, a nightmare. I watched, in slow motion, Jonathan’s hand knocking on the Portakabin door. We waited. Then the door slid open and there she was. Standing right in front of me. Edna McClodmutton of the long limbs and the silky hair.

  ‘Come in! Come in!’ she said grandly, patting the couch for us to join her. ‘Isobel, how lovely to see you again.’

  ‘You two know each other?’ Jonathan asked.

  ‘No! Yes!’ we said at the same time.

  I stared at her, resisting the urge to cry. She looked fantastic, as always, in a pair of skinny jeans, a plain white tank top and cute little sparkly flip-flops.

  ‘So, isn’t this great?’ She stared straight at me. ‘I’m just so thrilled. My big break. Over the last few months everything has really fallen into place for me.’ She twirled a strand of her luxuriant hair around her finger. ‘I just seem to have been so lucky and got everything I’ve gone after.’

  ‘Well, we were delighted you were able to join the team, Saffron.’ Jonathan nodded.

  ‘I just hope you know how much I appreciate it, Jonathan,’ she said coyly, gazing up at him like one of those women in the Magnum ads.

  He smiled and she giggled shamelessly.

  ‘So, Isobel,’ she said, in a loaded tone, training her eyes on me again. ‘What have you been up to? Still haven’t been going out much, have you?’ She turned to Jonathan. ‘Poor Isobel has been forced to hide away for the last few months due to a certain incident that appeared on the web. Awfully embarrassing.’

  That sounded dodgy. ‘It wasn’t a sex tape!’ I blurted. Bollocks, why had I said that? And why was I playing her sick little game? I couldn’t believe this was happening. Edna was here. At my work. Fucking hell. Was she going to start taking over my entire life? Would I go home to find out that Keelin and Susie had kicked me out and rented the room to her? Oh, no, sorry, she was now living with the man she’d stolen from me so I was safe enough there.

  She smiled sweetly at me, relishing my embarrassment. I needed to get out of there or I’d faint again. The Portakabin suddenly felt claustrophobic and airless. Prince Jonathan of Ridesville came to my rescue again and suggested we leave Saffron alone to learn her lines.

  Outside, he asked if I was okay, and I nodded. ‘I wasn’t in a sex tape,’ I repeated, wondering if he was thinking of firing me for being a slag. Now, on top of thinking I was a simpleton, he probably thought I had loose morals. And that was how he would see me for ever more – a thick slut with photosensitive eyes. And what man wants to sleep with one of those? Well, lots, I suppose, but not the nice ones.

  ‘It was, just, this thing when I was drunk and, God, it was so embarrassing…’ I stumbled, trying for damage control.

  ‘Hey, hey.’ He stopped me. ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to explain. Now, are you sure you’ll be okay if I leave you on your own?’

  As soon as Jonathan had gone about his business, I called Keelin and told her she had to meet me in Whelan’s at five thirty on the button or else she risked losing my friendship for life.

  Bless her, she tried desperately to cheer me up, but her attempts were futile. Did God hate me because I’d stopped going to Mass and lighting candles for the missionary nuns? Or because the change we’d collected in the poor box at home over Easter had ended up paying the gas bill? (We’d promised to pay the poor back, of course, which we were definitely going to do.) Was that why I was being punished? My life had become some cruel, evil joke. And the only person laughing was Edna McClodmutton. After all the progress I’d made, too – the socializing, the attempted flirting, the wearing of nice clothes, the All Bran…

  So, Edna was the new lead actress in Snog Me Now, You Dublin Whore. Quite fitting, when you thought about it. I could see Cian saying that to her before he ravished her during one of their secret, sordid rendezvous. Saffron Spencer, ‘up-and-coming actress and all round social butterfly’, the press release read. I know because I was the one who’d had to send it out. Oh, but of course. She’d be in all the papers in the morning. Saffron Spencer. The up-and-coming actress and all round Diamond Thong Girl who’d stolen my guy.

  And the final straw? At the end of the day Margaret happily informed me that I’d be joining their production team on-set to help out, and that I wasn’t to worry one bit because she’d sorted it all out with Fintan.

  Like I said, she was a woman who got things done.

  Keelin and I had a few consoling drinks, and afterwards we went our separate ways – her to Caroline’s and me to Gavin’s. I teetered towards his place, lightheaded with alcohol and exhaustion. I was really hoping he’d be at home and still up so I could tell him about my day. Keelin understood the heart bit, but I knew Gavin would help me with the head part. He’d have me laughing at myself in no time, making me see what an idiot Saffron Spencer was. He’d make it seem not as bad.

  I turned the key in the front door and pushed my way into the hall. The TV was on. Yippee, Gavin was home! Just as I was about to swing open the sitting-room door I heard the hum of two voices.

  Oh.

  Kate was with him. She’d been there nearly every night this week. I paused at the door and watched as my hand hovered over the handle. No, that was cool, I didn’t mind. Sure I’d talk to him tomorrow. Or maybe I’d just say a quick hello and go to bed.

  ‘Yo!’ I said, heading into the living room and slumping on to the other couch.

  ‘Hey, Iz.’ Gavin smiled. ‘How you been, little lady?’
r />   ‘All good. Was on-set today, which was a bit mad.’ Mad wasn’t the half of it, but I didn’t want to go into it now. Not with Kate there. I didn’t want to barge in on their evening together and whine about how God was playing a cruel joke on me because we’d paid our gas bill with the money for poor people in Africa.

  I looked at the TV. ‘Hey, I didn’t have you two pegged as the Footballers’ Wives types.’

  ‘Have you had a few?’ Kate asked, laughing.

  ‘Just a few. Was really just coming in to say hi and ’bye. Need sleep in a big way.’

  ‘Any updates on your house?’ Kate asked, as I turned to leave.

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘When can you move back home?’

  Was it just me and my exhausted brain or was there a chill in her tone? I looked at Gavin, then back to her. ‘Well, we haven’t really heard too many updates. Aidan’s been let off the hook because they didn’t have enough evidence to charge him, but this Terminator guy is still at large…’

  ‘But he could be for months,’ she said. ‘You’ll have to go back some time.’

  Kate didn’t want me here. I’d never even stopped to think that it might be a problem. She knew Gavin and I were just friends, right? That he was helping out a mate? Gavin didn’t think that too, did he? Had I outstayed my welcome?

  Maybe she was one of those mind-reading, sixth-sense people who burn incense. And maybe she’d looked into my brain and seen that I’d sort of, for a split second, wanted to kiss Gavin last week. Oh, shite! But I didn’t fancy him! I really didn’t! Should I tell her so?

  Gavin gave her a steely glare, obviously warning her to be a bit more tactful.

  No. I hadn’t done anything wrong, and if I told her here and now that I didn’t fancy him, it might create a problem out of nowhere. ‘Yeah,’ I said, not sure whether I should feel hurt or apologetic. ‘Hopefully we’ll make a decision on that soon.’ Kate had never been like this towards me before. We’d always got on so well. I suddenly felt quite isolated.

  ‘Izzy,’ Gavin interrupted, ‘you’re more than welcome to stay here for as long as you need to.’

  Kate stared at the television.

  ‘Em, okay,’ I replied awkwardly. ‘Well, I’d better head to bed. Night.’

  ‘Night,’ they both said.

  I shut the door and climbed up the stairs. Had I done something wrong? I wouldn’t have stayed with Gavin if I’d thought it would cause problems. Maybe I should move back to Mum and Dad’s for a bit. But then I’d have to share a room with Emma and all my evenings would consist of watching her doing fashion shows of her entire wardrobe and listen to her pressing me on my progress in becoming less of a social embarrassment to her.

  I heard them talking to one another in the living room. My tummy took a dive and I couldn’t shake a feeling of disappointment. It was probably just tiredness. And gin. And I hadn’t seen Footballers’ Wives in ages. And Edna McClodmutton was now going to be an everyday feature in my life for the foreseeable future. Things like that couldn’t help but make you feel disappointed.

  What a day.

  Still fully dressed, I lay on my bed in the spare room and stared at the ceiling until my eyes felt blurry and I drifted into sleep.

  I was woken by my mobile beeping. The cruelty. I couldn’t believe it was morning already – I felt like I’d only just nodded off. Plus I hadn’t even managed to change into my pyjamas. Not to mention that it was still pitch dark. It couldn’t be time to get up yet, could it? What time was it? I reached for my phone and squinted at the screen: two thirty-three a.m. It hadn’t been my alarm. The screen showed one missed call. Keelin ringing with drunken updates on Simon? She’d been heading on to a work thing after we’d left Whelan’s. Or perhaps she was phoning me to tell me that she was over Simon and had fallen in love with a different bloke, some guy she’d spotted at a bus stop.

  I yawned and felt under my pillow for my pyjamas. Then my phone beeped again. This time it was a message. I opened my inbox and saw that it was a voice message. Here we go – a slurred communication from Keelin about Bob who takes the number ten. I listened as the familiar voice of the messaging service informed me that I had one new message.

  ‘Izzy. Hi. Izzy, it’s Cian…’

  Sweet fuck.

  ‘… I’m sorry for ringing you so late, but I really just… well, I just wanted to talk to you. If you’re around over the next couple of days, I’d love to see you… if that’s okay. Anyway, I hope you’re well and I’ll talk to you soon. ’Bye.’

  I dropped the phone, then watched it slide off the side of the bed and thud onto the carpet.

  17

  When the sun finally rose at five thirty-two a.m., a wave of relief washed over me. I sat at my bedroom window and greeted the morning’s swell of sunlight, comforted that the rest of Dublin would soon be waking up, taking their showers, having their breakfast, scrambling off to work. Maybe now I wouldn’t feel so alone.

  The last few hours had dragged by painfully slowly. It had seemed like one eternal witching hour. No sound. No movement. No nothing. I felt as if I was the only person in the world who was awake, watching the rest as it slept peacefully.

  Since I’d listened to Cian’s message I hadn’t slept. I hadn’t dared to. Falling asleep would have meant having to remember again in the morning. Those first few cruel moments when you wake before it all comes back to you. And you don’t see it coming.

  I slipped out of bed and shuffled down to the bathroom. Standing under the hot shower, I began to feel partially human again.

  It had been nearly three months since I’d seen Cian on that fateful day in Odds and Sods. Nearly three months since I’d come face to face with him and Edna McClodmutton. Nearly three months since I’d heard that husky, gravelly voice. Nearly three months since I’d cried myself inside out and told myself, ‘Enough, Izzy, time to get over him.’

  Now she was working on the film and he was making late-night calls to my mobile phone.

  Unable to stomach any food, I left the house and made my way to the set production office. Work was a welcome distraction. It was insanely busy again and I enjoyed the simple tasks of photocopying and stapling as there was a mechanical routine to it that numbed my brain. I spotted Jonathan at one point, chatting to the director down at the halting site, but I scooted back to the production base so he wouldn’t see me. I couldn’t face him today. I was too wrecked and distracted to try to make him want to have sex with me.

  On my lunch hour, I flitted in and out of the shops, looking at clothes I couldn’t afford, vacantly trying on crazy costume jewellery. I nearly walked out of one shop with a pink feather boa around my neck – I glimpsed myself in a mirror before I was on the street and ran back. I really didn’t want to get arrested again. Shoplifting wasn’t as bad as drug-trafficking, but I wasn’t up for another go of the squad car and holding cell. Once was definitely enough. A bit like going to Holyhead.

  I thought my usual happy pill – trying on Terry de Havilland shoes – would make me smile but it made me feel worse. What was the point? I was never going to be able to buy a pair.

  The last straw was finding myself in Hickeys, comparing curtain fabrics. My mother would have exploded with joy if she’d witnessed it. It didn’t matter where I was so long as I had something to occupy my mind. The day hadn’t gone too badly, considering I felt like I was on another planet.

  My phone beeped – a message from Keelin: Wot u doin after wrk? Me and Susie wnt to c u. R u free?

  I sighed. I’d been putting that one off, but it was high time I saw the girls and straightened things out. Anyway, with Kate and Gavin clearly needing their space, I couldn’t stay in any longer.

  i’m free. Where u want to meet?

  * * *

  I pushed open the door of the Metro Café on South William Street and searched along the tables. When I saw Susie, I instantly wanted to hug her. She looked so lovely in her flower-print tea-dress, her long, ashy brown hair tumbling
past her shoulders and her makeup fresh and pretty, with just a hint of blusher, mascara and lipgloss. She was on her own with an untouched mug of coffee in front of her. I could tell that she was nervous because she was sitting on her hands, which always gave the game away. I hadn’t seen her since the drugs episode. I’d spoken to her on the phone a couple of times but that was all. We were on speaking terms, but there was still an awkwardness between us. I had been so judgemental about her relationship and had said some pretty awful things to her. But she had said some nasty things to me too – maybe they had hurt because they were true.

  I shuffled anxiously into my seat.

  ‘How are you?’ Susie asked.

  ‘Fine, yeah. You?’

  ‘Yeah, fine.’

  She took a sip of coffee, then put the cup back on the saucer. ‘Oh, God, Izzy, I hate this, I’m so sorry,’ she said.

  ‘Suz, me too! I’ve felt so rotten. Can we just forget the whole thing? I know it wasn’t your fault and I’m so sorry for what I said to you.’

  ‘Same here. And I want to forget it all too. But I just want to say…’

  What? That she’d been wrong about Aidan? That she’d dumped him? That she’d finally seen the light? ‘What?’ I asked gently, encouraging her.

  ‘I just want to say that I know you hate Aidan. But we’re trying to work things out.’

  Oh, no.

  ‘I think it’s going to be okay,’ she went on. ‘As you know, he didn’t get charged for the drugs thing but his friends did, and he says he’s not going to have anything more to do with them.’

  ‘But, Susie…’

  ‘No, Izzy. I’m not going to apologize to you for wanting to be with him. And I’m not going to ask for your permission either.’

  She was right. Of course she was. I couldn’t tell her not to be with him, not to love him. ‘Of course not. I’m sorry. It’s your business.’ I was so frustrated that I couldn’t help her. Not yet, anyway. And when she needed me, I’d be there for her just as she had always been there for me. For now, all she wanted was my acceptance.